Valentine's Day

Since Valentine's Day, I have wanted to write down some of the thoughts I've had as I think back over the past several days. We had the opportunity to hear Fran Sciacca, perhaps one of the best teachers we've ever heard, at a conference this past weekend. [If you would like to know more about him or his ministry check out his website, handsofhur.org. You can download the sessions and the handout. There's a lot of great material there and most of it is free:] He was addressing a young audience, mostly college age and single, but several couples from our community group got to hear him. He speaks with the wisdom of experience and with humility. I wanted to write down everything he said! I'll try to write the nuggets I took away. It was not your typical how-to-make-your-marriage-work. First he talked about our perceptions and how they are shaped by our perspective. He talked about how our satisfaction in life and relationships depends on the gap between what I think I should get and what I actually get. The phrase he used was "Satisfaction (or happiness) is the child of met expectations." My husband and I learned very early in our marriage about expectations from a wise couple just a few years ahead of us. We all have expectations about what our spouse should do; how they behave and respond to us. The problem arises when our "list" of expectations is not the same as their "list". A husband or wife may think they are doing pretty good according to their own list but they may be failing according to their spouse's list. Solution: sit down together and compare lists; you may be surprised. Unrealistic expectations are such an enemy and so widely perpetuated in our culture. He spoke at length about how our culture so influences our perspective, even as believers. His answer was not a new prescription for seeing things but new eyes! Using the filter of scripture to view marriage and not the ones our culture uses; things like arrogance, apathy, anger and acclimation rather than awe. My favorite part of his teaching was his reminder that marriage is the single most effective tool (not the only one) that God uses to sanctify us, or to use his words "to make us less like Adam and more like Christ". If we ever can get that it is not all about "me" and "my happiness" (what!!) but instead about God and his holiness we will be on the right path. God desires intimacy with us and for us with our spouses. Fran said that intimacy does not just happen. Sex may but intimacy does not. It requires time and effort . I will end with this quote from him, "Learn to talk the way the heart (of your spouse) listens." Maybe more later after I mull over all he said. This is just a bit from about five hours of his teaching.